Article 1
The Road to Nowhere
November 2008 started much like any other; a normal functioning, happy household….. blissfully unaware of what was to come. It’s actually quite amazing how a mother’s sixth sense kicks in. Mom had brought to my attention the fact that our daughter had not been herself of late; distant, quiet, unpredictable, unaffectionate and confrontational.
Her cats were normally like children to her and they didn’t even get a second glance. Weight loss, tiredness and a lack of motivation for going to work was becoming more evident. However, everyone in the family shifted these signs to the back of their minds, thinking that this may be symptoms of mild depression, for which she was being treated at the time.
In late November, Mom found a very strange message on her own cell phone that was sent at 03h00 in the morning and certainly not by her; it read ‘Will get together later and light up a lolly for us’. This is when the alarm bells started ringing. On confronting my daughter regarding this message, she casually admitted to dabbling in the use of crystal meth with her friends and promised solemnly that she would not do it again. The lies and deceit had just begun…
As a precautionary measure, we made an appointment with the psychiatrist that she was seeing for depression. He read her the riot act and threatened her with rehab and once again, the promises of abstinence were forthcoming. She even agreed to regular testing, so off we went to buy drug-testing kits from the pharmacy.
Suffice to say that for the next few weeks, very few test results were negative, but the explanations that were put forward were valid enough at the time to give her the benefit of the doubt. Here are some of the favourites;
‘I went to the pub last night for Jason’s birthday and as a joke, the barman spiked everyone’s drink. I was so annoyed that I went to the manager and got the barman fired’.
‘This has something to do with the medication that I am taking; I promise I have not been doing drugs’.
‘I was in the company of people who were lighting lollies and I must have inhaled some of the surrounding air! That’s why I’m testing positive’.
‘These home tests are inaccurate; I think you should take my urine sample to a proper lab for testing’.
By the way, based on the last explanation, I did take the urine sample to the pathologists and guess what…the home kit was 100% accurate. But little action was taken as we were once again bamboozled and manipulated into giving her the benefit of the doubt.
The unpredictable behavior continued unabated; coming home in the early hours of the morning, without us knowing where she was or what might have happened….being told that her cell phone was off or she did not receive the frantic messages asking where she was and if she was OK….on her return home, going through patches of hyperactivity and agro and then crashing for three days at a time…..losing her normal complexion and starting to pick at her skin…..continuously leaving burnt candles under her bed – in hindsight, obviously used for heating her lolly! And despite earning a fair salary, being continuously broke by day 2 or 3 of every new month.
Common sense keeps telling you that the problem is real & you should be doing something about it, but you keep on getting sidetracked by the fact that it is your own flesh & blood that deserves the benefit of the doubt. Towards the end of November the writing was on the wall that something was drastically wrong. One afternoon, having arrived home from work, looking worse for wear and in ‘turnoff mode’, my daughter happened to leave her handbag in the dining room. Once again Mom’s sixth sense kicked in and she decided to look inside the handbag. At the bottom of the bag, she came across a strange looking glass pipe with a bubble on the end, together with a cut off straw with heat sealing on one end. She was not sure what these items were and stowed them away until I arrived home from work. Having dealt with the late Adele Searle (a strong lobbyist against drug abuse in the 80’s & 90’s) on a drug rehabilitation project many years back, I felt as if a train had hit me when I saw the items. I had to break the news to my wife that this was actually a Tik lolly that she had found and the cut off straw was the container in which Tik is normally sold. It then hit home as to why on previous occasions, bar this one, she had continuously taken her handbag to bed with her.
Any sense of cool-headedness at this stage flies straight out the window; when my daughter woke up I let rip at her, only to be told that she was carrying the items for one of her friends and she would not do it again. Having severely chastised her for doing such a stupid thing and warning her of the consequences, the lolly and straw disappeared rapidly the following morning – she claimed that she had tossed it into a dustbin outside the shopping centre where she worked….who will ever know???
Christmas and most of January went by and the situation was worsening. Many more workdays were being missed, waking periods were frenetic and confrontational and when the crash happened after each episode there were 3 days of continuous sleep. Money, petrol cards and valuables began to go missing…..unexpected withdrawals from the ATM. Eventually, having spent a fair wack on test kits and getting very few negative results, the time had come to seek help, bearing in mind that my daughter was no longer a minor, still employed and still refusing to admit that crystal meth had now become the master of everything around her.
My wife and I spent hours on the phone and the internet researching the subject; enquiring after credible clinics, or government run initiatives in the area…..nothing of substance; looking at private rehab facilities slightly further afield, knowing full well that our daughter would refuse to go to any in-house programme, especially due to the fact that she was still working. Then by chance, my wife happened to be given Sarah Fisher’s name by the pharmacist. I contacted her and told her what we had been going through for the last 2 months and mentioned a few of the changes that we had experienced, still not sure if we were dealing with recreational use or abuse. That is when for the first time, someone said directly to me ‘Your child is addicted’. The ongoing lying, manipulation, stealing and deceit are crystal meth talking back at you, not your daughter’. The rude awakening had happened…it was now time to get help fast. But dealing with a person who is no longer a minor and in total denial, leaves you with 2 choices; wait until they reach rock bottom and ask for help themselves, or use whatever it takes to persuade them that they have turned the corner from being a user to becoming an abuser. More about that next week………..
LOOK FOR THE SIGNS – THEY ARE VIRTUALLY 100% CONSISTENT AMONGST DRUG ABUSERS:
- Loss of affection and lack of interest in family, old friends and personal hygiene
- Change in routine
- Lack of money shortly after payday
- Paranoia and lying
- Money & items going missing from the house
- Unexpected withdrawals at ATM’s
- Unauthorised petrol card usage; one of the favourite ways to pay for drugs. Fill the dealers car with petrol on your parent’s card
- Unpredictable behavior and aggression
- Unexpected trips in your motor vehicle; keep a log of mileage when your kids borrow the car
- Long periods of staying awake, followed by long periods of sleep. Further into addiction, periods of staying awake get shorter and crashes get longer, due to the body requiring more of the drug to ‘operate normally’
- A change in the company they keep; not usually for the better
- Clandestine phone calls; probably to a dealer
- Slipping out of the house for periods of time
- Weight loss and breakouts or lesions on the skin
- Drugs & strange equipment in the bedroom such as pipes, lollies, straws, powder, crystals, pills or any other strange packaging
IF THEY AGREE TO TESTING:
- Use a 5 panel drug test, available from your pharmacy for R50-R60 per kit
- Be present in the bathroom or toilet when the urine specimen is produced
- Ensure that products with a bleach base are not in the surrounds of testing; these can be used to mask results
- If results are positive, confront the issue in a calm way (as hard at it may seem); anger and threats cause further denial & withdrawal
LASTLY:
Believe in your 6th sense as a parent and don’t let ongoing doubt cloud your actions; the sooner the problem is identified, the sooner the remission process can be put in place
Article 2
Seeking Help & The Art of Gentle Persuasion
Towards the end of January, the work situation was declining rapidly and the inconsistent personality continued unabated. Complaints were coming from my daughter’s employer regarding regular absenteeism and the lack of quality in the work that she was doing. Customers used to rave about her work and now they were beginning to complain. And of course the home inconsistencies also continued, together with the refusal for help.
In the meantime, the search for suitable rehabilitation continued. Knowing the price of private rehabilitation, we first set about investigating government based initiatives, suffice to say there are no such facilities, nor any independent, accredited amenities in Somerset West; the nearest is Khayelitsha or Mitchell’s Plain.
Due to continued pressure that my daughter felt she was living under at home, she decided to move in with a friend. Being an adult we did not have much say over her decision. She duly moved, but knowing what was going on made everyone more worried and insecure.
Then the dreaded call came from my daughter’s employer, who informed us that she had locked herself in the toilet and had some kind of ‘breakdown’, which had necessitated informing her to phone Mom to take her home. She informed her employer that she had phoned Mom, but once again she had phoned someone else and was not contactable for a long period of time. Only much later did we hear from her own mouth that the craving was so great that she was even doing drugs at work.
When she did finally contact us, we persuaded her to come home and in a calm persuasive manner, informed her that we had made on appointment for her to see a highly qualified addiction specialist in Cape Town. We had to use a certain amount of emotional blackmail and told her that we could get a court order to admit her; not directly for the drug problem but for not having the ability to manage her money properly (this is a loophole on which one can capitalize if the situation gets desperate, even if the addict is no longer a minor). Under duress, she agreed to go but still tried to persuade us that she did not have a problem that she could not fix herself. The consultation with this particular specialist was disastrous. She tested positive in his presence, refused to listen to what he was saying (apparently he was too probing & tough) and we hit yet another brick wall, remembering that rehabilitation cannot be forced.
We then decided to see a clinical psychologist in Somerset West who had previous experience in addictions. My wife & I went without our daughter for the first meeting and once again we were told that without consent and the willingness to attend meetings from our daughter, there was no way to fix the problem other than to let her fall deeper into the dark abyss of crystal meth addiction. However she did say that if we could persuade her to attend the first consultation, she would try her best to get her to attend follow-ups. Somehow she managed to gain some kind of confidence from my daughter and she started seeing the psychologist every week. On her fourth consultation, the breakthrough occurred, but not as expected. Our daughter went into toxic shock in the psychologist’s rooms; this was the breakthrough (however rough and unsympathetic it may sound); she had scared herself into a brief sense of rationality, where she knew that continuing with this abuse would eventually be the end of her. She had indirectly asked for help! But don’t think at this stage, she could stop using; crystal meth has an addiction factor far greater than any other drug and it had already changed the chemistry of the brain. Even though she knew that she needed help, she had very little control over what the brain and the body were crying out for…. another rush, just to get the levels right. Normality had become total abnormality!
Having done all of the research, we were finally given the name of an addiction specialist in Paarl who runs an outpatients’ programme and arranged a meeting with him. Once again the first meeting was disastrous, still full of lies and deception and the attitude of doing it for her parents and not herself. Another dead end….. In desperation, I wrote my daughter a letter, telling her what a great person she was and how we loved her, but also telling her that we could not help her if she was not open with us. This little push (in writing and not just in words) seemed to reach the small bit of affection and rationality that she had left in her and that is when she signed the contract to attend an outpatients’ rehabilitation programme. The breakthrough had come, her problem was going to be sorted quickly…..or so we thought.
Learnings
Addicts who have not come to terms with their addictions cannot solve their addiction for themselves. As difficult as it may seem at the time, they need the support of their loved ones.
As a parent, you need to assist in ‘closing the circle’ on bad friends and other abnormal and unpredictable situations that may be occurring.
You also need to apply some tough love; lock valuables away, including theirs and don’t give them money, just because you feel sorry for them.
Check your bank statements every day to ensure that there have not been any unexpected withdrawals.
You may at the time of need think that any help is good help, but if you have the luxury of choosing a suitable form of rehabilitation, make sure that it does not alienate your child or loved one even further. Some rehabilitation centres believe in breaking down the person prior to commencing with a rehabilitation programme. This has an adverse effect on some personalities.
Make sure that the rehabilitation programme is registered or accredited; the Helderberg Basin has a bad track record in this regard, where therapists have hidden behind their ‘good intentions’ to either feed their own addictions or increase their undercover drug dealing business.
Don’t instantly commit to any programme if you cannot afford to keep the addict in rehabilitation for a longer period than 1 month. In many cases, short-term rehabilitation does not allow for dopamine levels to adjust to normal; therefore, the chance of relapse is fairly high. Rehabilitation is ongoing and the process can be months if not years, remembering that addiction is a chronic illness.
As parents you may feel embarrassed, frustrated and alone, but the most important advice that I can give at this stage is seek a support group or ensure that the rehabilitation programme for the addict includes a family support programme. You cannot handle the abnormal circumstances if you do not understand the science and the psychology that comes with addiction. This is a traumatic time in which you need to manage the addict and at the same time endeavor to run a normal household.
Article 3
Triggers & Walls
It had been 4 months since the first episode and our daughter had now finally come to terms with the fact that she needed help. Her specific rehab programme required attending individual and group therapy twice a week for 16 weeks and family sessions for 9 weeks….a major breakthrough for a person whose only previous commitment was to feeding an addiction.
As a family member in a support role, one does not realize until you attend family sessions, how an addiction of this nature ca be so powerful that it takes hold of every minute of every day. The major initial hurdle is to get the addict to abstain from habits over which they have very little control due to the fact that the biochemistry of the brain has changed. Until this has adjusted to normal levels, which involves staying away from certain people, places and things, the healing process cannot begin….an initial window period of approximately 25 days of total abstinence. For a person who has not gone through addiction this may sound easy, until one realizes that relatively small, insignificant things can tip an addict over the edge and start an uncontrolled craving. These are known as triggers and differ from person to person. The simplest way to describe a trigger is through Pavlov’s Dog Theory. Pavlov rang a bell every time he fed his dog. In time the dog related the ringing of the bell to feeding time and would automatically drool at the sound of the bell. This is exactly how an addict’s mind works during the period of abstinence; they see certain things in their surroundings that bring on an uncontrollable urge in the brain to go out and look for their next fix. These triggers differ from addict to addict and in my daughter’s case, she identified the following triggers;
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going to certain clubs and pubs
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seeing certain people
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driving a car in certain areas
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bottle store
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ATM machines
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Cape Town
As simple as these may seem to a normally functioning brain, every one of these triggers had some relationship to her addiction and until one gets through the critical periods of abstinence, these situations have to be avoided at all costs. This is where the family support structure plays a vital role due to the fact that the voice of reason is not present in an addict until the biochemistry of the brain has had time to heal itself.
As a mom or dad, you build yourself up to the first 25 days of abstinence. This period is not easy for anyone, let alone the addict…periods of highs and lows are frequent, even without the drug, and when abstinence stretches beyond this period you naively think that the problem is solved forever. Not that simple!!!! Together, we achieved a clean & sober period of 42 days, controlling the triggers, giving support, praising our daughter for her achievements…and then one evening she happened to ride past a place that brought back memories of the dark past. She thought of phoning her therapist to help her through this feeling of uncertainty. She thought of making her way back home right away. She thought of stopping off at a ‘clean’ friend to let this thought pass. But, that bell had rung; she was drooling like Pavlov’s dog and once again the voice of reason and the first steps of avoidance taught to her in rehabilitation were overcome by the taste of the past. She made the call to her dealer…
Learning’s
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Triggers are as strong as the drug itself, until the chemistry of the brain is normalized. Family support is critical during this period, as the addict cannot necessarily help themselves just yet.
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As parents, offer compassion and understanding of what they are going through. Help the addict to find hobbies & new interests that keep their thoughts away from the identified triggers as well as the people, places and things that may potentially draw them back to their past habits.
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If relapse occurs, don’t give up. The longer the abstinence, the more rational the addict becomes and the more they begin to arm themselves with the education that is given to them during rehabilitation.
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Relapses do not mean that everyone has to start from scratch again; every day that is traded for addiction is another day in the healing process.
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Don’t throw in the towel; the majority of addicts don’t want to do drugs and need all of the support, education and motivation that they can get to buy their ticket out of that dark world.
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‘Abstinence’ and ‘window period’ doesn’t mean ‘cure’. Addiction is a chronic illness that can be well managed through education and a change in lifestyle.
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As parents, try to talk to the addict about the bright future, not the dark past. In many cases, probing into the past can exacerbate the guilt feelings and the urge to ‘drown sorrows’ or get a ‘quick fix’. Every parent has an inquisitive nature and would love to know the ‘ins & outs’ of the drug underworld, but leave that until addicts are ready to talk about it; it may be sooner than you thought, it may be never!
Article 4
The Ups & Downs
During the period that our daughter attended rehabilitation sessions, it was amazing to observe the ‘tug of war’ that happened between the brain and the drug. As she became more rational and no longer required an artificial stimulant to function properly, she began to realize how she was destroying her own mind and body and the relationships that had previously been important to her. She became more open about how regularly she had been using and admitted that there were times during the past 6 months, where she had no recollection of the past. Obsessions and addiction had totally overshadowed normality!
One of the most valuable tools for her was the group sessions during the rehabilitation programme, where she could speak openly to people her own age that had been through similar experiences. As a parent, you always feel that your children will confide in you no matter what they do, but one has to come to the realization that when dealing with addiction, it is far easier to share bad experiences with your own age group and with people who are going through a similar healing process.
As the window periods of abstinence increased, it was extremely rewarding to see an individual’s compassion and personality returning. It does not happen overnight; there are periods of highs and lows that need to be managed subtly and carefully by parents and clean friends. That 6th sense always tells you when there is the possibility of the scale tilting towards a relapse, days before it actually happens. Although you feel drained by the thought of having to handle depressive periods, confrontation and potential relapse, this support period is crucial in helping the addict to maintain a clean & sober state during a period of ‘hitting the wall’
We slipped up along the way and definitely learned by our mistakes and the further education which family group sessions provided. Our daughter happily attended every session of the 16-week rehabilitation programme and had been completely clean & sober for a period well beyond the norms. When she completed the formal programme, she had the feeling that she had ‘graduated’; she had become educated about the harm that addiction causes to family, friends and herself; she had given herself time to sufficiently heal her body and mind and feel motivated about the challenges that lay ahead. She even insisted on going for a full medical, including a brain function test, all of which showed that there was no permanent damage evident. In a sense, she thought that she had been cured!
But the one thing that she had not personally come to terms with was the fact that she would probably never be able to consume any type of alcoholic beverage again. We encouraged total abstinence for a long period of time, but one night she happened to go to a club with clean friends. She had just one drink and it had no effect; the next time she had two and still arrived home clean and sober; the next time, not so lucky! She went to a popular hangout in Stellenbosch, had one too many, saw a person that she knew from the dark days, made excuses to her ‘clean’ friends to escape their protective clutches and once again did not arrive home until the late hours of the following morning. That day she tested positive for cocaine and could not recall the process that led her to taking it!
One consolation of this relapse is that she had frightened herself into realizing how easy it was to lose control if one does not apply all of the addiction management principles learnt in rehabilitation. An addict cannot be selective. As her therapist said to her; ‘It’s never the last drink that pushes an addict over the edge; it’s always the first’. There is a good reason why addicts should practice total abstinence; a ‘legal and socially acceptable’ substance such as alcohol is just another ‘stepping stone’ on a one-way path leading back to a dark and dangerous destination.
At the time of writing this article, we are getting close to the longest period of abstinence to date. Our daughter has taken on a new job, moved into a flat with a clean friend and is hopefully well on the way to changing her life for the better. Most importantly, she has won back the compassion and sensitivity that was brutally stolen from her by the addiction. Although the formal part of therapy has been completed, she still attends support groups on a regular basis of her own free will.
The road to recovery is long and there are many obstacles along the way, but the single most rewarding aspect for a ‘passenger’ on this journey, is seeing your child return to being the person that you knew before; loving, caring, bubbly and eternally grateful for the support and forgiveness that she has received from family and clean friends.
Learning’s
Addicts need ongoing encouragement in coming to terms with their illness. If they remain secretive to everyone, it can create complications in the future. For example, there are still certain medications on the market containing substances that could trigger a relapse. Certain anesthetics used by the medical fraternity can also potentially lead to relapse. It is therefore important for key people such as the family doctor and pharmacist to be aware that the individual has used addictive substances in the past.
There are very few addicts who can manage the process of long-term abstinence without some form of formal rehabilitation. The psychological and social pitfalls are just too great to go it alone. Swallow your pride, accept help and move on.
There is no such word in the addict’s vocabulary as ‘cure’. The chronic nature of addiction necessitates an ongoing management and support programme for the rest of the addict’s life.
The affected family should always strive for the return of normality within the household, no matter how hard it may seem at the time. This may involve some fairly harsh decisions, but be consistent and strict, not unreasonable. After all, there is a real world out there!
Abusive substances will be readily available to everyone who goes looking for them for many years to come. Your duty as a parent is to love, support, nurture, educate and manage your child’s transition into a world that is filled with obstacles.
And lastly, never give up in kicking the habit, as an individual with an addiction or a family member sharing the ups & downs of those close to you.
‘The flower that blooms in the face of adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all’.
Article 5
From the Horse’s Mouth’
When addicts are ready to talk about their experiences, one realizes just how difficult it must be to win back your body & soul from a substance that very quickly takes hold of every minute of every day. If you’re awake, you think of it continuously; if you’re asleep it comes back to haunt you in your dreams. It also has the cruel ability of digging its claws into those close to you; those who did not ask to be involved in the first place. It slowly rips apart their bodies & minds, piece by piece - the anxiety to find the best solutions, the concern about your addiction & wellbeing & the ongoing hope that the light at the end of the tunnel is just around the next bend.
Below are some interesting snippets of information that have been forthcoming from my daughter as time goes by. Hopefully, those who are either tempted to partake in abusive substances, or those who know they have a problem, will in some way be convinced to turn the corner. The road to addiction is one that should be far less traveled.
‘Although I realized that I was doing my body harm, crystal meth grabbed hold of me & didn’t let go. The ‘rush’ is something that can never be understood by a person that hasn’t been there.’
‘The craving eventually became so overpowering that my subconscious took over; I’d do anything to get my hands on it, even if I had no money. You make any plan you can and tell yourself that you will suffer the consequences of lies, manipulation, deceit & stealing later.’
‘When I was hooked, I knew I had a major problem, but because of the craving, I cast away the thoughts of stopping or asking for help. Tomorrow was another day.’
‘During the experimental days, I did drugs because I didn’t have the courage to walk away from the people who influenced me negatively. After all, if they could do it now & again & not get hooked, so could I.’
‘I started using crystal meth regularly because someone told me that it was the best way to lose weight quickly. In the process, I lost much more; the trust of my family & friends, my dignity, my job & my affection for things that were so important to me when I was clean.’
‘As I became more & more dependent, the highs didn’t feel as good any more & the lows became more difficult to get out of. The only way I thought I could solve the problem at that point, was to take more often.’
‘Just before I went into toxic shock, I was using crystal meth at least 3 times a day, just to keep me going at work. I couldn’t get through the working hours without it.’
‘One of the most frightening things is that there are certain things that I cannot remember when I was using heavily. I used to get calls from good friends on my cell and just cut them off. Only much later, when they told me how many times they had tried to contact me, did I realize how much I had neglected them during my obsessive periods.’
‘When I was caught out by my parents and the circle started closing in on me, I panicked because I felt that there was just no way that I could survive without it.’
‘I always thought that I could kick the habit myself; only after going to rehab & learning how to cope with & manage my addiction, did I realize how impossible it would have been to go it alone.’
‘Talking to people who are going through the same addictions as you, helps a lot; they are the only people who understand what happens, because they have been there themselves.’
‘You have to keep yourself busy to keep your mind off drugs; when I got bored, the cravings became worse.’
‘I have been to places to buy crystal meth that make me shiver. I’d be too scared to even go near those places today.’
‘The runners and dealers really come across as nice guys; they’re friendly and are more than willing deliver to any place you want them to. Once you get to know your dealer, they’ll give you stuff on credit. But don’t be late with payment when they ask you to pay your debts!’
‘A lot of the runners and dealers don’t use the stuff themselves; they’re just involved to make lots of quick money. They know what it does to you & what they have used to make it. They’re scared to use it themselves’
‘If I was craving, I could walk outside a club or pub and get my drug of choice in 10 minutes max…..it was that easy! There are even hangouts in Somerset West where dealers sit & wait for your call; if they can’t deliver, you can go to the car park near to where they sit and take delivery yourself.’
‘I wish I could make the guilt & shame disappear and although my family and friends have forgiven me, I have to live with my conscience for the rest of my life; if I’d known before what I know now, there’s no way I would’ve have done drugs.’
‘You never get rid of the memory of that split second rush you get from crystal meth. That’s something else you have to manage for the rest of your life.’
‘If anyone is ever tempted to use any addictive stuff, even now and again, don’t go there. The start is great; the finish is awful!’
‘If I had not been caught out when I was & got the support of those who cared for me through all the ups & downs, I’d probably be dead by now’.
We sincerely hope that there is someone out there (even if it’s only one person), who gains some value from our personal journey and takes the next important step as a user or abuser, or concerned parent, to change their own lives and those of others. There is nothing better than knowing that you have conquered something that at one time was far bigger than you. In a way, it can probably be compared to climbing Mount Everest; there will be storms and hardships along the way…..there’ll be times when you’ll want to return to your ‘comfort zone’……there’ll be guides to show you the right paths & with a little extra will and endurance, you’ll finally reach the summit……… and the view from the top is like no other!
This is our last article in this series.
